Saturday, November 21, 2009

Bless me Father for I have...

It's been 6 months since my last confession and my sins are multiple.

I have had no sex in over a year. While I do consider dating again, the thought of another evening of vapid conversation, forced smiles and a quick life review leaves me cold. I have some small thought in the back of my head (which I know holds no hope) that somehow, somewhere, I will meet someone by some miracle of chance. I can only hope this can happen because I don't have the energy to search anymore. And I wouldn't know where to search anyway because I have given up the internet as even a remote possibility in granting me a life of happiness. Or even, at this point, a night of happiness.

I have masturbated infrequently, sometimes only 1 time in a month. I fear some months I have not masturbated at all.

I have been negligent in reading my fellow bloggers sites and, when I do read them, even the raciest, sexiest, hottest of posts leave me dry. Some of this arid response can be blamed on age, life changes and hormones (or so I'm told). And, blame I will.

I have no excuse for these transgressions. Actually, I have lots of excuses. Such as hormones, as afore mentioned. Depression and the inability to find a decent shrink. Now winter and the onset of darkness at 4:30 in the afternoon. All these reasons can be held as responsible for my inability to meet the expectation of being an attractive, middle aged, single woman. Or, put another way, my inability to get laid.

But, excuses aside. External (or internal, even) pretext cannot be all the blame. I know some of the blame must be cast upon myself and my apathy. And I know I must be held accountable. And punished. I must be punished for my sins. My sins of the absence of flesh upon flesh.

I can only hope that with punishment comes absolution. Or, at the least, orgasm.