The Therapy that is Sex (not to be confused with Sex Therapy)

I couldn't decide if I should tell my therapist that I'd gone to a sex club. I wavered back and forth between telling her and discussing it (although in how much detail would be another question) or not telling her. In which case, what would I talk about? Since that's what's on my mind.

I still hadn't decided by the time I got to her office. We started with the usual chitchat and whatnot. And then I blurted out, "I don't know whether to tell you something or not." Well, clearly, I had made up my mind.

I realized that telling her or not telling her wasn't a decision I had trouble making because she was my therapist, but simply because it's a decision I'll make with everyone. There are people I'll tell easily, knowing they'll get a kick out of it and we'll have a fun conversation, and people whom I will never in a million years tell. And then some, like my therapist, with whom I'll be on the fence about sharing.

So, I told her in detail how it all came about, my going in the first place, and in not so much detail the events that transpired. She knows I engaged in sexual activity with the guy I went with and probably assumes I engaged in sexual activity with other people at the club. I alluded to that, without coming out and saying I sucked some guys cock while his girlfriend and his wife watched, etc.

My therapist is brilliant. And I don't mean that in an intellectual way. She is emotionally brilliant. Once I told her I knew it was right. She has no judgments about it. Or, about me. She knows I lean towards being submissive. We've discussed it and discussed some possible psychological reasons as to why I prefer to give up control. We have these conversations all without bias. And I would know. I don't care how good a therapist, or even actor, a person is, if there's a judgment, you can tell.

In this discussion I realized that I really liked going to a sex club. I look forward to going to more and other similar activities. I'm at a point in my life where I have a need to push my boundaries. To expand myself and my limits. And to share that expansion with like minded people. To surround myself with similar players. We are mirrors for one another and when in the company of people who reflect how you feel, it becomes an environment of growth.

Constant growth. Constant change. It really is what I strive for in my life. A week or so ago I was down. Very down. I go there sometimes. To that pit. Sometimes I can get myself out, sometimes I need help. But, it's not a place I'm unfamiliar with. I also know that if I never went there, if I never saw or experienced that dark side of myself, I would be stagnant. It compels me to change and to grow. You can't fall down without having to figure out how you're going to get yourself up.

Being sexually adventurous is new to me only in just this past year. It's new and exciting and a little scary. I'm excited to have found a new element. A new venue. A new adventure.