Saturday, November 17, 2007

Epilogue, or somewhere in the middle

It's so hard not to wonder what it was I did that drove him away. I knew it that morning. The morning we got up, after fucking again, we sat with coffee and tea for a while talking, he took a shower, and got on the train to go home. I knew it then. I knew before he got on the subway when he gave me a tight lipped, close mouthed peck goodbye. I sensed something had changed. But I didn't know what.

So I started to go over it in my mind. Every detail (that I could remember - I had drank a bit) of what was said and done in the hours he was here. In the weeks before that night as we worked our way into bed. I remembered his enthusiasm. He seemed genuinely interested in me. We talked about our lives and things and it was close and intimate. And we kissed a lot and that was amazing. And he obviously wanted more.

Until he didn't want any. Was it something I said? Was it the coffee - I'm a tea drinker, so maybe my coffee was really awful? Was it my apartment? My bed? My cat? Where I live? My body? My body. It could have been my body. As I said in the other post, I'm okay. I look pretty damn good for 48. But I look better with clothes on, it's just the truth. I'm not fat, but I'm not toned, either. I'm a bit flabby. I have an unattractive ass. My tits sag a bit (although they're really not too bad).

But maybe that's what it was. He expected something else. The outside package promised something that, once opened, didn't deliver.

I go over and over in my head what it could have been. The truth is I'll never know. He won't answer my e-mails or phone calls (not that I'm badgering him with both, but it's been 3 days). He is now among the disappeared.

I know someone out there is going to say 3 days isn't a long time, but in fact it is, isn't it? Think about it. You've spent a couple of weeks talking to someone almost everyday. Talking and flirting and getting together and kissing and walking hand-in-hand and then talking some more. And then you fuck. And then it's so quiet you could hear a water drop. It may not sound like a long time, but in comparison to what preceeded it, it's eternity.

The truth is I just don't know if I can do this anymore. If I can keep doing the meet and greet thing. Getting to know people. Feeling like there's a connection, only to find it was a short lived one. Only to end up feeling like there's something seriously wrong with me. I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm too old for this. How about that. I'm not the resilient 20-something who can bounce back with hope for the next one. I don't really have that hope. There aren't too many next ones for me. It's just reality.

If I have to spend the rest of my life alone, I'd rather not spend it at all. It feels so pathetic. Going out with friends all the time. Always being at a movie or dinner with a girlfriend. A middle aged girlfriend. Two middle aged women alone. It's so obvious we're single. It feels so obvious. I can't stand it.

Having had even the couple of weeks with him where, when out, we walked hand in hand, or my arm in his, makes the absence of it so profound. It makes me realize how much I miss it. Belonging to someone and knowing someone belongs to me.

I know this is pathetic. But, you know what? This is my blog and I feel pathetic. This is what I have to say right now. It's eating at me so I have to write it out. You don't have to read it.

You may also think that I was somehow smothering or too clingy, but be assured that wasn't the case at all. In fact, when we were together, he was the one always touching me. My hands over the table. Holding hands while walking. Flirting on the phone or e-mails or chats. I'm not a clingy person. I admit, I can be a bit insecure, but this disappearing act is why.

Remember when you were first in love with someone? That feeling that you couldn't get enough of them? You wanted to spend every minute somehow connected? You felt connected, even when you weren't together. And then, when you were together, you had to touch them in some way. A hand on their leg, or arm, or hand. Or even just leaning against them, and they against you. Kissing all the time, fucking as often as you could.

That's what I want again. That's what I thought I'd found.

I guess I'm too old for that now. I guess I can never really have that again. Maybe it's too adolescent. Too idealistic. I guess at 48 it's unrealistic to think it's even possible. The most I can hope for, if I can hope for anything at all, is someone I like spending time with. Someone I can talk to. Someone I don't mind kissing. Or fucking.

I guess I'd better start to realize that, unless I want to be alone forever, I will have to settle for someone. That just breaks my heart.


Anonymous said...

Eve, you know I think you are hot. You are not perfect. Men are not perfect. I think we all have to learn to prioritize the most important qualities, and not put as much weight on other things. For me it was fucking frequently, liking touching, a caring personality, and being moved by some of the some kinds of kinks. I had to accept less than ideal in the kind of looks (not so much weight as "sharp" in dress and makeup), education, and social skills like flirting. I cared about her/loved her but was not "in love" for years and years. It was difficult for me to give up some of what I wanted. I am now "in love" deeply and very polyamorously (others may join us, or not) happy.

I strongly believe you can be very happy too.


Eve in Chains said...

Thanks for your comment, E. And your encouragement. Appreciated.

Also, I hope the comment issue is fixed. If anyone else is having comment issues, please send me a note and let me know. Thanks.

Scintillio said...

I will say this has just happened with me as well. Things going along swimmingly for a short period and then "something" happens... magically it is no more with little communication or reason.

I think that bothers me the most, reflecting back on things... not that it ended but rather it simply faded away.

In one case it was an issue of self esteem. No matter that I found her very attractive and wanted to be with her, she didn't love herself and didn't want me to love her either.

In another situation, she didn't have the courage to come out and say she had been seeing someone else. We had an open relationship and weren't exclusive but she felt ashamed because she hadn't told me for many many weeks.

It took several weeks and months after these relationships ended to finally piece through things or finally have an opportunity to discuss them with the person.

In the end, I think it was meant to be somehow. Lessons for me in terms of assertiveness and that no matter what I may think or feel, ultimately it takes two.

And to your point about "settling"... please don't... you don't do yourself any favors nor the other person. You're worth more than that. ;) :)

Eve in Chains said...

Scintillio -

Thank you for sharing this story. It does, in fact, help to know that I'm not alone. That I'm not the only one who has had someone "disappear". It' very hard on one's self-esteem.

Hope to see you here again. :)


nitebyrd said...

Eve, I've had the same thing happen. It is hurtful and confusing. I don't think we should ask what WE did but rather what THEY were doing.

I don't think you'll be alone, learn from lapses in judgement and never, ever give up hope.

nitebyrd said...

p.s. (Apparently my first comment didn't show up either.)

Eve in Chains said...

nitebyrd, thanks sweetie. It's a good reminder. And, I'm feeling a little better. Time, you know? And, I do wonder if it was him and his issues and not me. But, you know, it's so easy to go immediately to "what's wrong with me?". Actually, I go immediately to "what's wrong with my body?". And, I have the answer to that.

It's off to the trainer for me.

Also, you posted a comment on the post called Prologue and it's there. Did you post one on this post and it didn't show up?



Rupert said...

Eve, I'm so sorry! I've fallen behind in my blog reading, and am up late tonight and came across these two entries.

Posts like these make me realize how minor my issues are. And yet you have been there with me from almost the of my first commenters, and one of the constant ones as well. Always there with encouagement for me, but then at the same time, unknown to me, you are carrying this with you.

I wish I had a good bit of advice to help you, but I don't. Just know that any time you want to talk, see if I'm online with my Plugoo control on my blog, and say hi, and we can talk.

Hang in there, kiddo!

wet & shy said...

Dear Eve,
yup. sometimes, it just sucks. Ironically, the suckiest of sucky times are those, like this one, when it is in fact truly NOT your fault--because then there's not a thing you can do except wait until it doesn't suck anymore.

It is never, ever easy to live your life consistently with relentless integrity. Never.
But it is worth it.
At least, that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. :p
I don't know you. Chances are we will never meet outside of cyberspace (unless I'm actually one of your friends who has no idea about this blog of yours... wait, that's really interesting... not a single one of my friends or family knows i read and comment on erotic blogs... maybe we should work out some kind of mutual code/secret handshake whereby we can simultaneously identify one another...)

whoops! sorry. where was I?

Oh--so, we don't know one another. Yet you--you, whoever you are, whatever your life is like--you have had an impact on me. My life is different because I have encountered your work, your words, both here on your blog and in comments on others' blogs.

There is nothing I can give you in return. Your gift to me is one of pure grace.
And grace is the defining quality of divine love, however you choose to think of or name that power.

You are blessing and gift to people whose names you don't even know.

yours in the struggle,

p.s. and yes, i know all that is no substitute for great fucking...
but it's still better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Eve in Chains said...

W/s - I honestly don't know what to say. I'm honored that you feel reading my blog has affected your life to such an extent. I'd always hoped that writing my own experiences and fantasies would, somehow, touch other peoples lives. Many of the "regular" people who post here have become friends, in one way or another. Some outside of cyberspace. You just never know how people will come into your life. (A secret handshake would be cool.)

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. All of you. It means a lot to me.