Sunday, November 11, 2007

To Out or not to Out...Myself

The difference between insomnia and staying up late is, of course, intention. Staying up late is reading till you can't keep your eyes open, watching TV till you've had enough of the inanity, talking on the phone till you're literally too tired to flirt. Insomnia is turning the light off at midnight and, at 2 a.m., finding yourself awake enough to open your eyes and stare into the semi-darkness. Last night I was in a state of the latter.

And I thought, well, maybe I'll get up and write a bit. In my blog. But which one? I have another, you see, that I've not mentioned here before. It's a myspace blog, on my myspace page. Another thing I haven't mentioned here before. There's lots of things I haven't discussed here, and I'm beginning to find it increasingly difficult to keep my "two" not lives, personas?...separate. I wanted to write about insomnia and the chatter in my head and masturbation and maybe my family and, and, and...

And, therein lies the dilemma. In one blog (this one) I can discuss my thoughts and feelings up to a point. A very specific and identifying point. In my other blog (myspace) I can talk about more details of my life, but I wouldn't at all mention masturbating, or being really horny, or not being horny, or anything sexual except for vague inuendo. For the first time, last night, I found myself to be frustrated by this. I've discussed this here to some degree, merely questioning the two aspects of my life and how they may or may not overlap. At that point, I wasn't particularly frustrated or feeling the need to merge these two forums, just curious about them. That's changed.

I keep a journal (paper - be aghast!) and that's a place where much of these aspects of my life blend. But my journal is not a place where I take care and concern about the writing itself. The blog(s) are kept as a way to communicate, but also as a way to hone my writing skills. My grammer, my wit (I'm assuming something here), my insight, etc. Sharing it with you forces me to do that. And, there is the exhibitionist in me that's wants to expose myself, my sexual self, to you in a way that's satisfyingly literate.

So, what to do. Perhaps nothing. Maybe all I needed to do, at this point, was to talk this out. I'm very clear that there's a line I can't (read: won't) cross as far as identifying details of my life. It's a risk I won't take. As it is I worry that should I die suddenly, my journals (the paper one's) will be discovered. And read. There are simply things I'd rather my family and some of my closest friends didn't know about me. Details of my thoughts and desires that would, in a word, squig them out. But, that's another dilemma for me to contend with.

In the meantime, I stay anonymous (in this blog). It gives me the freedom to write out my desires and needs. And my frustrations in the detail that's necessary to excorcise them.

Now, about insomnia and masturbation...


Rupert said...

I totally get what you are saying, Eve. I too have the split life, with a regular blog for friends, and Chateau Hentzau to talk about sex and everything else. I have to constantly review everything I post, just to make sure I'm not saying too much. real advice. Just I'm glad I have both places, because I have a need to talk about both sides of my life.

Oh, and you need a porn buddy. Just make sure he/she knows where you journals are atashed, too.

nitebyrd said...

I always feel as if I'm a minor "Sybil." I struggle with my two personalities. I hope that my one blog (that I find difficult at times) will help me merge the two that can be acceptable to family/friends/lovers and myself.

Your frustration is felt by me.

Eve in Chains said...

OMG! I TOTALLY need a porn buddy!That's brilliant! Not only to get the porn out of the house and my journals, but to get all this stuff off my machine!

And, yes, it feels at times like 2 personalities. Both struggling to get out. :)


Shon Richards said...

Oh yes, the porn buddy. We all need one.

Splitting yourself sucks but in our culture it's hard not to. I have face-to-face friends who hear I write a sex blog and they take great pains to let me know that they never want to know that much about me. Then again, there's a handful who recite back lines from my blog and it wigs me out.

You'll figure out the right balance with practice. Writing is a great cure for insomnia.