I'm wondering about being the girlfriend and the slut and I'm wondering if it's possible to be both. I'm not sure that being a slut, that wanting what I want, that having my particular tastes, doesn't work against me.
If a man sees me as a slut, wanton and depraved in my desires, can he ever see me as a girlfriend? Can he picture himself behind me, his cock pushing into my wet cunt, a fistful of hair in his hand AND at the movies with me, sharing a popcorn and one of those insanely large sodas? Or at dinner? Or on the beach? Maybe his picture of me is only naked and wanting and sexually greedy. Maybe he can never see me as the person I am with interests other than getting fucked (yes, I do have interests other than getting fucked).
How many men really imagine a relationship with a woman who wants sex in the way I do? Or, do they see themselves with the "good" girl. The woman who can hold her own in a conversation at a work party where he's trying to impress his boss, but then upon returning home, just have sex. "Let's get undressed, let's kiss sweetly and sensually, one of us will get on top and we'll make love, meaningfully and lovingly" kind of sex. (I'm not saying I can't enjoy that, I probably could, occasionally, with the right man.) But, if he sees me as a slut, can he ever see me as a lover?
If I go out with someone and first he sees me as a slut where he orders me and torments me and hurts me and I love it, I'm afraid that's then his image of me and nothing else will ever happen. That's happened more than once now with someone I thought I could get to know, and it's so disappointing. Hurt my chest kind of disappointing when he disappears.
But, if I go out with someone and we get to know each other non-sexually (although, there's always that overtone, right?), going to dinner, a movie, a play, hear some music, chatting about our lives, learning about each other, if that guy then learns what I want will he be disgusted? Will he say it's not for him? How can I know until it's too late and I've already decided I like him?
The other side of that coin is, can I abandon my desires for someone I want to be with? That, I don't think I could do. I lived many years as a good girl and always felt like something was missing. I don't think I could go back into that closet again and live with myself. It's very difficult and painful to have to try to tell your lover, someone you don't want to lose, someone who's respect you value, that you want them to pull your hair and pinch your nipple till you scream and call you dirty names. It's nigh impossible.
I don't have any answers to these questions. They're on my mind and I'm postulating them here. I don't have any ideas about whether I should do something differently in this, what feels like endless, search for love. I can only hope there's someone who can meet me on both, and many other, levels. Some days, like today I guess, it feels like that someone doesn't exist.
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8 comments:
Well, Eve, you know my answer. Yes it is possible. But it takes wilingness to make compromises along the way, willingness to experiment with LDRs, with people not quite perfect physically, etc etc. I tried abandoning my desires, and it didn't work in the long run.
I found someone through the normal way (didn't work out for other reasons) and through the posting ads in spanking magazines, having an erotic profile on aol way. Posting ads worked better for me, over all, though there was much disappointment and heart pain along the way.
I believe you can do it. Don't stop trying, enjoy the journey....
E
there is a saying that men want and i am sure you have heard it...
"men want a lady to the world and a slut in the bed."
that IS possible. i have been doing it for years.
for us the sex aspect is not the lifestyle. some other couples may do sub/dom 24/7 but we like reality as well. we enjoy the world around us together. yet, we fuck like animals behind not so closed doors.
E - Thank you for your
encouragement. I guess I just haven't met the right man who can see me as both.
Gracie - that's exactly the aphorism that I was thinking of. I think my recent experiences (of being dumped, essentially) have made me question it all a bit. :(
Eve
Eve,
There is no doubt in my mind (male remember) that what you desire is completely possible. She was a complete woman to the world. Beatiful, a child, well mannered everything a mom would want in future daughter in-law. In private she was as freaky as me but we also made love. In the end it wasn't this part of our worlds that didn't work. We saw each other several years later and both knew the sexual spark was still there. But we were as different as PEOPLE as we had been before.
So it is possible.
Thanks, LG. It's good to have some models of relationships that can combine elements of both worlds, so to speak. I've never had that.
Eve
Hey Eve,
I think the trick here is to distinguish what "slut" really means. Unless there's more to you than I've read from your posts (i.e. enjoyment of rich submission fantasies, role playing, and physically "full contact" sex) then you're not really much of a slut at all. (To be honest I'm not exactly sure what a slut really is although I define it as "someone who for some reason feels obliged to have sex more often that she actually enjoys.)
As for whether your sexual preferences disqualify you for "girlfriend" status I'm thinking only if you limit yourself to fairly narrow-minded boyfriends.
Us guys can withstand an awful lot of partner's conditions (e.g. lights off, only when you're feeling "attractive," no cold hands, no cold feet, brush your teeth, etc., etc.) If you put it to a potential partner that that you just have a different (but actually maybe less demanding) set of conditions then chances are he'll come around.
Bottom line is that sure, you can be *you* (whether that means "slut" or not) and still be a "girlfriend" as long as *your own* biases or suspicions bias you against yourself. (Know what I mean?)
Cool blog by the way.
figleaf
figleaf -
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.
It's an interesting question, the definition of a slut. I imagine it's relative to each persons value system. And each persons ability to expand their thinking about it.
A couple of years ago I would have never in my right mind considered calling myself a slut and I would have been insulted if someone else had.
Today, a different story all together. I wear the moniker proudly (although, not in the general public, I admit).
As for being a girlfriend simultaneously, I am much more encouraged about it, thanks to my friends here in the ether. It's comments like yours that go a long way in building confidence.
Thanks for stopping by. Hope to see more of you. :)
Eve
Oh yeah, well you've certainly got strong preferences but... ok, so look at it this way.
We're all raised to think that lights-out-closed-eye-man-on-top Victorian-style "missionary" position is the only "normal" way to have sex. And everything else is slutty, depraved, perverted, or whatever. When, when you think about it, to have exceedingly narrow, ritualized, and specific sexual requirements (see "missionary style") is pretty much the classic definition of perversion or fetishistic sex.
Anyway, it's fine to call yourself a slut if it rocks your boat, just like it might rock one's partner to call him "tiger," it's probably not a good idea to actually *think of yourself* as a slut.
Take care,
figleaf
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